That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
