Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize