I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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