if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
