Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
