All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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