guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
