Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
