i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I deserve this hangover.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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