Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
