i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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