Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
