Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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