Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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