why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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