So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize