he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
