Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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