NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
