I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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