If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he thought i was a dude.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
