Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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