I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
