Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize