I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
