And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
