wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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