They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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