OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize