Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
