oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
