i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
