Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
