Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
