i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
