No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
