A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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