ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
