i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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