I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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