ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
