I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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