last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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