i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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