sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
