I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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