We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
