it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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