i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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