i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
