I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
