Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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