i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
